LOST

I've lost my fire. I am feeling acutely lackluster and without drive. I found myself near tears as I walked the streets of the festival this weekend. I feel profoundly unlovable and unable to do anything about it because I like who I am, but no one else seems to.

My life has been designed to allow me to be available to my family, husband, and friends, but alas I am single, childless, and have limited people I call friends :-( I find that I don't like many people nowadays. I can't have anymore ridiculous conversations or try to justify my life to another jackass. I just want to be. I am hoping this move will make it better. A new environment, a new group of people to get to know, a larger pool of human to choose from.

My theory is that by relocating to a city with more people per square mile, I have a higher odds of connecting with someone. There is more to do and a totally new cultural landscape to navigate. I am hoping to find traces of the me I used to know genuinly excited, optimistic, enthusiastic not putting on a show hoping to make it real.

We'll seee

Don't Sleep

You're tripping. I am here yet you're still running around dealing with these foolish girls who bring you nothing but drama. I stand here, gorgeous, intelligent, loving, supportive, understanding, adventurous, fun-loving, sexy, warm, and caring, yet you keep passing me by.

What is up with you? You would think after disease, unwanted children, betrayal, and heartache you would turn to me, but still you hesitate. What will it take? When will you get it? How many crazy situations do you have to go through before you decide to choose happiness? Why do you continue to torture yourself? Do you really feel like you don't deserve someone like me?

Why can't you understand that its not about how much money you have or what you can buy me? Why isn't the fact that I love you for who you are not what you have enough? Take a look at yourself, and answer these questions honestly. Do you love yourself? Do you think you deserve to be happy?

You tell me you love me. You say you think the world of me, yet you keep running away. You tell me we cannot be together b/c you cannot treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
What exactly is stopping you from being good to me? I am truly confused, but I am ready to move on. I finally have accepted that until you heal yourself you cannot love me. I am more than you think you deserve. You do not think you are a good man, capable of giving love. You hold me in high esteem, but you do not see yourself as worthy. You think I will not love you b/c you do not see yourself as worth loving and I cannot help you with this. So while my heart breaks b/c it belongs to you, I refuse to spend my life alone, hoping wishing praying that you will one day come to me. I will not stand by and watch you love, live, and laugh.

I am saddened b/c I am forced to settle. I , cannot control you. I cannot make you love me. I cannot make you want me. I cannot make you choose me. Don't sleep, you will see it one day, but it will be too late. My heart will be closed to you. I will always love you, nothing will change that, but since you do not love you our love can never be. I am done, goodbye my love, perhaps in the next lifetime.

Marriage

Hmm, my take on the whole marriage thing is that there is too much focus on marriage and not enough on relationships, integrity, and commitment. Back in the day of these 40 - 50 year long relationships, people stuck through the good, the bad, and the ugly. It all boils down to committment (continuing to what you promised to do eventhough you don't feel like it anymore) and integrity (being a person of your word).

Now adays people don't take promises seriously, we lie, break agreements, and in general do not respect on another. These actions make for bad relationships in love, business, and frienships.

Marriage is simply a formal legal contract between two people and whatever you decide your marriage is if you have integrity and commitment you should be able to work it out. For some reason though people seem to think it is okay to just renege on their promises.

Then on top of all that, many many many people still hold on to traditional expectations of gender roles in marriage that simply do not fit in with today's lifestyles. I often tell people that I do not want a "husband", I want a partner. I do not want to be a "wife" I want to be a partner. I am not interested in cooking, cleaning, and "taking care" of another adult, which was the role of the traditional wife.

If you really talk to many people they still hold on to these values so when they get married and see that A) their partner does not fulfill this traditional role or B) they cannot humanly fulfill this traditional role (take care of the house and work a full-time job), problems begin.

People need to go into marriage fully aware of who they plan to be in the relationship, what the other person expects, and what they expect from the other person. If all these things do not line up from the start, DO NOT GET MARRIED!! If they do, you also have to be committed and know that rough patches will come so even when that giddy, mushy, lovey dovey feeling is gone, you stick together and continue to build a life.

Marriage as a concept of two people dedicating their lives to one another is not destined to fail, but it takes a lot of work, honesty, and maturity to really make it a success.
I simply focus